The Steps that helped me to overcome a lifetime of compulsive overeating

November 2021

I’m *Siobhán and I’m recovering from a lifetime of overeating and binge eating. Here is my story.

Childhood

I remember eating too much from a young age and feeling terrible about my size at 9 years old. However I couldn’t stop overeating then or for years after. While it seemed I overate with impunity back then, I wasn’t to know that I already had a compulsion to eat certain foods that was so powerful it led to a top weight of 123kg and ultimately to giving up hope of ever loosing my excess weight or feeling ok with my body. It also led to feelings of guilt, embarrassment, shame and failure, along with other issues linked with being overweight or very overweight as I was then.

While once topping 123kg, I mainly weighted between 97kg and 112kg, but this depended on what I was or wasn’t trying to do to control my weight. Achieving anything close to a healthy body weight just didn’t feature so trapped was I by a compulsion to either overeat, binge eat or both. Shifts in this pattern were generally short lived and further apart as the years went on.

I was introduced to dieting at the age of 12 after gaining 45kg over a few years. I was the only fat girl in town and in my local school. While I wanted to feel accepted, I felt my weight meant I wouldn’t be. My childhood felt blighted by being overweight. I was never sure I made ‘the mark’ whatever I thought that was at any given time and as a 97+kg teenager I saw little prospect of having a boyfriend or indeed a career.

Local health services, aware of my weight from school health checks, arranged for food restriction in a contained environment. This was my first introduction to dieting. While it resulted in a 22kg weight loss, it didn’t change my sense of being different and did little to curb my desire for excess food. It had only addressed the symptom (excess weight), nothing else had changed.

Following the enforced dieting, and armed with a large supply of what I now know were amphetamine based appetite suppressants, I returned to familiar surroundings hopeful, if apprehensive. I was entering secondary school that year and had missed the first two weeks of term. Everyone seemed to know each other and I felt like an outsider. Six months later I had regained the lost weight and more besides, despite self medicating on a higher dose of the appetite suppressants than were prescribed.

Humiliated and defeated, I eventually felt I had no choice but to resign myself to another period of imposed food restriction in the same environment as before. By now I was 14 years old.

Teenage Years

Following another weight loss of 20kg, and having persuaded all that I could be trusted to manage my weight independently, I ventured forth less hopeful this time, though determined not to return to the contained environment, but with no idea that this food thing had a far stronger hold on me than I could ever have imagined. It took many more painful years of weight losses followed by even greater weight gains and eventually that of the 12 Step Programme of Overeaters Anonymous, for me to recognize just how powerless I was over my compulsion to return to eating and overeating again and again the high sugar, salt and fat based foods, and to begin to approach my overeating and life differently.

In the intervening years I worked, played and lived life as best I could, but never long without the struggle with food and the dissatisfaction about my size being far from my mind. Although determined not to be defined by this, there remained the sense of being different, of not quite fitting in, of not being quite good enough, which led to trying to prove myself in situations and relationships. This in turn led to a less than satisfying sense of life and relationships in general. I still wanted to be liked and to fit in so I tried to please people. If I got overwhelmed with this I'd withdraw, if not physically, then emotionally. Where I’d given more than 100%, I could resent this later although no one had asked for or expected that from me in the first place. Then I became annoyed with myself. Food was my go to, to quiet the underlying emotions and tensions, like a default button.

While I occasionally dieted and lost significant amounts of weight, these times were followed by long periods of regularly overeating and binge eating in between. There were occasional periods of feeling safe around food when I didn't feel compelled to eat large amounts or a second helping, though these never lasted more than a year or so at most. There were also many short term diets, which I referred to as ‘detoxes’ to camouflage what I was doing. Far from detoxing or making an impression on my weight, these diets and dieting in general seemed to worsen the problem. The ‘detoxes’ invariably ended after a day or two, despite having bought the required ingredients. What limited success I had, usually the loss of half of that promised by the quick fix method, I regained in days or weeks at most. Then there were the efforts for the special occasions; a wedding, sun holiday, graduation or just to loose some weight so I could eat as I wanted at the wedding or on holiday! After all hadn’t I exercised ‘control’ for days or weeks so I could have ‘a good time’. The sheer irrationality of it all. Looking back, I can see how unreachable I was where my eating and weight were concerned. I thought I knew what was best for me. Yet I kept doing the same things over and over while expecting different results. I really had no idea that this food thing had a far stronger hold on me than I ever imagined.

Adulthood

Despite access to knowledge and understanding that could have helped with my food addiction in my adult years, and that of being reasonably capable in other areas of life, I remained stubbornly adverse to anything that could help with the overeating long term. While I progressed in life (yes I got that career despite my fears), had a comfortable home, good friends and enjoyable interests, food was and remained my master. Good days, bad days, in between days made little difference to my overall pattern of eating and food related behaviors. On one hand food was like a good friend, bringing ease and comfort when needed, but unlike a good friend this lasted all but seconds before the regret, guilt and shame kicked in after yet another failure to control my eating. It seemed that sooner or later I always returned to overeating and had a craving for certain types of food, which I couldn’t go long without unless on a diet, which always came to an end sooner or later.

Impact on my health

Apart from the onslaught of overeating, binge eating and overweight on my self esteem, there were conditions either caused or worsened by the excess weight such as joint problems and issues with my gall bladder that needed surgery. My normally stable blood pressure started to rise. I got gout and Barrets Syndrome. I was on medication for this plus over the counter and prescribed pain relief. I was surely facing an uncertain future health wise. Yet I was able to side step these realities and continue to eat indiscriminately. Truth was I was dependent on food and my eating behaviors to get me through life only I couldn’t see this. Whenever reality threatened to break through I could rationalize, justify, minimize or excuse my difficulties or blame them on something or someone else. I was truly hooked. Food really was my master. There were times of feeling hopeless and some of despair, although I covered this up well or so I thought.

The beginning of the end

One day I just broke down and cried when talking to a friend who was aware of my health concerns. What if I couldn’t walk? I feared for the future and how I would survive alone if my health deteriorated to the point that I couldn’t manage. Despite having a faith in God and attending a supportive church, I was mostly unable to share my deeper concerns. Instead I presented the most capable, independent, self that I could. While I imagine some saw through this, others saw me as happy and successful, only this didn’t reflect on the inside. Always wearing the smile and trying to put the best foot forward is an unnecessary burden. My real self was compromised. I was loosing touch with myself. What was I to do?

Overeaters Anonymous

I knew of the existence of Overeaters Anonymous (OA) as I had attended meetings in Dublin years before, but I never really understood the essence of this remarkable 12 step Programme back then, nor was I willing to put in what was required to get me well and free from the compulsion to overeat. Although I had left OA, the memories of the identification, relief and belonging I experienced at my first OA meeting many years earlier never left and somehow I knew it was my only hope. I had tried most everything else, but always regained the weight and more besides while still craving certain foods. I couldn’t face more of this. I had tried my way and it always led back to overeating and binge eating. I saw a number for a local OA meeting in my library one day. I noted this down, although it was several months before I ventured to attend. This was ten years ago and I haven’t left since.

Transformation

In OA I learned many things about myself, my relationship with food and my approach to life generally. First I came to understand the real crux of of my relationship with food and how this effected my life. I had never considered the possibility, that like a person hooked on alcohol, I was hooked on certain foods in that once I started to eat these my body and mind reacted in such a way that I craved more of them. This most often occurred immediately after taking the first few bites of these foods. This led to wanting another bite and another until an episode of overeating had occurred or a full blown binge was triggered. If it didn’t occur immediately after the first few bites of these foods, it happened later when I felt compelled to eat these foods again for the ease and comfort they brought when I felt upset or tense or for any reason, all be it that the effect was so short lived it certainly wasn’t worth the pain of overeating or binging thereby keeping the whole cycle going and leading to more weight gain in the end. The only solution was to abstain completely from these trigger foods. They just weren’t necessary to sustain life comfortably.

I came to accept that I needed something more than my own will power, which always failed me in the end. I used the strength of the OA group and my faith in God to help me let go of the foods I craved while I started working the 12 step recovery programme of OA. I drew strength from other members experience and growth in the programme. I am gradually surrendering my way of doing things, something I had never really fully done before despite having an idea of the necessity of this if I was to overcome my obsession with food. I’m learning how to approach past issues in a way that helps me to address these better than before. I am softening towards those I find it difficult to get along with, or towards whom I can feel resentment, dislike or who I think might dislike me. I'm getting better at letting go of negative and judgmental beliefs and I'm taking more of a genuine interest in others and their welfare and becoming less occupied with all my own concerns, needs and wishes, while also trying to keep a healthy balance and perspective in this regard.

All of the above and more was necessary I believe on my journey to receiving one of the many gifts of OA, which is a way to live life without having to overeat or use food for other than what food is basically meant for….to sustain life. I’m learning that neither my world or the world in general stops if I don’t have the foods and ingredients that I previously couldn't imagine living without. This is all a work in progress. Although possible to fully recover from an eating disorder, I don’t feel I’ve arrived, but am on a journey that gets better as I invest in it with its potential for joy and freedom in living.

No longer preoccupied with what I weigh now or might weigh in the future, no longer obsessing about size, shape or what I will or won’t or should or shouldn’t eat. No endless worry about matters or people that I’ve no control over. Less build up of anxiety or tensions due to my own making or omissions and a way to address these when they arise. These are just some of the promises of OA being fulfilled for me as I live the 12 steps way of life. It’s easy for me to see as I write this how I wouldn’t want to trade the best of my pre OA days for the toughest of any today. Now I have a means of living that offers huge hope. I weigh over 38kg less than when I rejoined OA. My overall health is greatly improved. My chloresterol level is within the normal range. Barrets Syndrome is no more and it’s been possible to reduce my medication by 75%. My energy levels have increased and I sleep much better.

I’ll be eternally grateful to all the wonderful members of OA worldwide, who, since one of its founding members first saw that the 12 step programme worked by so many to deal with alcohol dependency, could work equally well for food issues, including overeating, binge eating or undereating, for their dedication in sharing their experience, strength and hope of a full recovery from these debilitating food related conditions. This was especially evident during the Corona Virus Pandemic when almost all meetings worldwide went online and became so accessible that it’s now possible to attend them all over Ireland and elsewhere, including many different types of meetings, workshops and OA events designed to help however a person may be affected.

If anyone reading my story feels that they have, or may have, a problem with food then may be OA can help. You will be welcomed with open arms if you decide to attend. OA welcomes all irrespective of background, ethnicity, gender, culture, faith perspective or not, or sexual orientation. Even if you are unsure if you are a compulsive eater, you are still welcome at OA meetings. Many if not all of us only learned the nature, extent and solution to our eating problem and other issues in the rooms of OA through the experience, strength and hope of other members and from reading OA and AA literature, in addition to the help of a **sponsor guiding us through the 12 steps of OA.

*Siobhán is not my real name. This is in keeping with OA’s directions on anonymity at the level of public means of communication.

**A sponsor is someone who is abstaining from compulsive eating while working the 12 step programme in their life, who endeavors to help others up to the sponsors level of recovery.

Welcome to OA, welcome home! 

Margaret's Experience...

November 2021

I didn’t come from a house of overeaters or dieters so I didn’t know what a diet was until I heard my friends talk about restricting when in college. I remember joining a slimming club then with a friend in college, I lost some weight and then started some binges and I remember after not having had sweet food for a while how my body reacted with a buzz when I ate it. During my 20s and 30s I went up and down in weight through restricting or overeating and I was never really happy with my body. The weight and binges were increasing.

Over the last few years things progressed, I put on another stone or two. I stopped being able to diet for any length of time even coming up to weddings and I was disgusted at myself. Months before I joined Overeaters Anonymous (OA), I remember a moment when I felt totally defeated and that nothing was working. I did subconsciously know there was something else out there. I think at that point I felt I had no control and there was some surrender then. I did feel at the time that I had a spiritual connection as I remember speaking to my Higher Power and asking for help, but later when I was in OA I realised my connection to my Higher Power was blocked and I think this was due to the effects of all the food in my body, how I obsessed about it all in my mind and the fears and resentments I had.

A couple of weeks later I felt totally defeated. I went on a residential weekend from work on a course. It was full of healthy food so I packed my bags with crisps and chocolate just in case. We ate large amounts of healthy nutritious food that didn’t satisfy me so I went back to my room to eat my snacks, which didn’t even satisfy me. One day I went for a walk with a girl who told me she was addicted to sugar and was in a 12-step programme for compulsive overeating. My own ego and know it all attitude tried to tell her I was working my own way on my eating. Mine clearly was not working though and hers was. Two weeks later during a Spiritual Counselling session the therapist said to me that the session was difficult and the process was blocked with my over eating and she suggested Overeaters Anonymous. I thought no way as I felt it would totally restrict my spontaneous fun life whereas in truth I was in a lot of pain with compulsive overeating. So I picked up the phone a few days later and I just knew this was where I was to go as I felt a release as I spoke to the person. 

I attended my first meeting over 3 years ago. I felt I just needed to be there. I got such a warm and friendly welcome. It was so supportive.  I started doing the 12 steps and working the programme. I attended the OA meetings and by a miracle the cravings left, I got so much clarity in my life, issues at work I could see my part in and I became less involved in drama, the stiffness and pain in my body resolved. Life isn’t totally perfect but I now have a programme that I work on each day. This keeps me abstinent from compulsive eating because I cannot do this on my own. It also helps me with my fears and resentments, my relationships and my work. It is when I forget that I have this condition of compulsive eating that my life gets difficult. I now have a connection with my Higher Power. The last 18 months of the pandemic gave me a chance to work the programme as best I could, it has helped me through it and to post pandemic growth. Before I joined OA I did not have a sense of purpose or value. Now I wake up most days with a vision and a mission and I bounce out of bed. I have increasing tolerance and patience with others and this helps everything to run more smoothly in my life and generally The support of Overeaters Anonymous is something I could not do without. 

From relapse to recovery...

New Paragraph

January 2021

Hi, I am a compulsive overeater, binger, restrictor, body obsessor, purger on exercise. 

I have never been obese. Or severely overweight and more than anything my disease will try to tell me that I am a crazy fool being here, and I don't need this programme. I need this programme, and I know that. I need this programme, because I know in my heart of hearts that I am a compulsive overeater and I don't need to try and work out why. I just need to know that regardless of my size I am a compulsive overeater and to live through these steps one day at a time. 

What strikes me most about what life was like before the programme, is how mental it all seems to have been, and how ignorant I was to the madness. 

I certainly spent most of my life preoccupied with food and self-image! Whether it was dieting, bingeing, purging on exercise, or self-loathing because I didn't look as thin as my other girlfriends, or my mum. Regardless of whether I was underweight / overweight or a normal weight my mind would beat me up and as a result I loathed myself. 

Not having an I'm full button' when it came to the amount of food I consumed was a big struggle. I used food to deal with my emotions and nervous energy. 

As I reflect, I can certainly observe a progression of the disease, and how cunning, baffling and powerful the disease was over the years of my life prior to the programme. 

Food has always been 'a thing' in my life. Whether it was through shame from stealing it, disguising the gluttony, or trying so relentlessly to eat like a normal person. 

At five years old I recall an obsession with nuts (one of my trigger foods) and sneaking walnuts from my grans cake making cupboard. At 11 I consumed so many monkey nuts that I involuntarily projectile vomited a solid mash of nuts-there was just no space left for the nuts to stay down. 

Using humour as an excuse for gluttony was another cunning way at which I would consume large quantities. Family events centred around huge buffets, the over excitement at all the flavours, and stuffing myself and continuing to stuff myself, long after others were long done with the food.

 I'd go on nights out just for the hangover day so I could binge all day on junk food, and feel no guilt. I'd act up, picking my food like an uninterested 'lady' even though my mind was wanting to shovel food in like a pig. Then he'd go to bed, and I could truly enjoy it. Swapping salty flavours for sweet flavours meant my binges could last hours, until I passed out, and then I'd come round and I'd continue

There are countless times that I am able to recall a food bingeing story. And I can through the help of the programme see that this was not a food issue but a life issue. I could not cope with life, and food was 'the fix' to my inability to cope with life. 

The sanctuary of the car for a binge was a classic, I don't know how many times I'd stop on long car journeys telling myself whatever excuse I needed: I'm tired, its lunch time, it's time for a snack, I'm nearly there, I'm sad, happy, bored, angry, frustrated lonely, I hate myself, or absolutely no reason.. I'd better get something to eat ....     

One thing that seems clear pre-programme is that I didn't admit powerlessness. I would relentlessly try to be victorious. Self-will would always be there telling me that I'd sort this out, tomorrow or after I'd finished whatever it was I was eating. During car journeys self-will would look like the most insane scene; I'd be chucking food in the back of the car to stop me eating it and then dangerously driving all over the road as I attempted to retrieve the packet of something I'd seconds earlier chucked away.

Either never wanting any mealtime to end because that meant life had to start. Or denying my hunger and having a tiny portion and driving myself crazy about when and where I was next going to eat. 

Mimicking whatever my thinner friends were eating, and mimicking their food behaviors healthy or not to see if that might work for me. 

The progression of the disease saw me becoming obsessed with health, and ways to get the quantities in without the weight gain. I could definitely binge on broccoli, and I'd binge on cabbage and salad portions that could probably serve 8. 

Food behaviours became more extreme, I would get the whole loaves that we baked and I would frantically nibble off every crunchy bit of bread and hope that my partner couldn't tell what I'd done. Oats had a low Glycemic load so I'd stuff cold porridge oats soaked in water into my mouth. no joy, no peace just frantically stuffing myself to try and get the effect I needed to sufficiently numb me.

Sugar was off my radar during my orthorexia phase, but any sweet taste or high fat and the physical craving and mental obsession would begin, for example I'd binge like crazy on dates and walnuts that I'd mash together into so called healthy energy balls

I have no end of shameful food stories that I could recall. The truth is that I was forever trying to eat like a normal eater and no matter how much willpower I had I could not stop from starting on a binge and once I started on a binge I could not stop.

How I ended up in OA?

This felt very spiritual. I had just left my partner, and found a new place to live. Full of anxiety I brought a few jars of nut butter spreads, a few halva bars, and a packet of rye bread, and stuffed myself as subtly as I could on the bus. For some reason I opened up to the woman I had just moved in with, and she mentioned OA to me. I had never even heard of it. I read up about it online, and something in me broke, I just flooded with uncontrollable tears, I couldn't stop crying.... I read as much as I could about it online, and I got top marks as I ticked yes to every single are you a compulsive overeater question. I just had no clue that such a disease existed. 

I knew I had to call the number of my local meeting, and I remember blubbering my eyes out on my own and feeling petrified. For the first time ever I was anxious that I wasn't going to be big enough to be allowed into the only place I'd got top entry level marks for in my life! The thoughts all got too much for me to make the call, and I binged. I binged hugely before I made the phone call, and I binged after I made the phone call. Then I proceeded to binge leading up to the 1st meeting. It was as if my disease knew that something was beginning to shift and the disease wanted to get as much in as possible.. Then the warm welcome from a group of all shapes and sizes. When it came to my share, I burst into tears again, the whole thing had struck such a chord. I can't express the emotion that poured from me... but a part of me knew that I had found home. It all felt completely divinely orchestrated. And I felt so blessed to have such an eye-opening introduction. 

The message felt clear. Get a sponsor, get abstinent, and Go through the steps as laid out in the big book. 

I got a sponsor, I got abstinent, I began the steps the big book way, but it is only now that I realise I needed to hit a whole other level of desperation, I needed to know on a deeper level how much I needed this programme. And as I commenced on my three-year relapse, I can see as clear as day how the disease progresses, 

The beginning of my relapse came when I had finally achieved a weight loss so significant I'd never experienced. I became lost to my ego, believed I had what it took to conquer the disease armed with my self knowledge and will power alone!

I was soon to begin to fall long and hard into every ice cream tub and flavour for three years... But at the early stages of the relapse, I weighed myself at 8 stone a weight I'd always dreamed to be. I remember looking in the mirror, and thinking that I just needed to get to seven stone and that would be perfect then. Somewhere in my head an alarm bell rang, 7 stone hadn't sounded safe before, and I mentioned this to highlight that no matter my size the disease would tell me that I was not enough, and happiness was over there. It has become helpful for me to know how diseased my mind was. no matter what size I am even when I was at my dream weight my mind was restless, irritable and discontent. 

Now as I journey on the path of, 'the size that god intends for me'. I can be at peace in accepting that my mind can't tell the true from the false. That God is doing for me that which I cannot do for myself, and if I continue on this path of Spiritual progress not perfection, of working the steps to the best of my ability, then regardless of what my mind will tell me, I am the size that God intended for me to be.

The programme is a design for living that I absolutely depend upon, a set of directions, a map to sanity. 

I realise the restlessness, irritability and discontent at the core of my being, and by working this programme, slowly the layers of learning are revealed.

I find myself surrounded by beautiful, wise, practitioners of a spiritual programme of wellness. It is a family with which a deep health flows. 

It's one day at a time! Today I feel well, yesterday I was seething at the programme and drowning in resentments, my disease started to tell me all sorts of negativities...

The power of God in this programme is utterly profound. 

I thought about taking action with an outreach from a certain person that I thought might be able to share some valuable experience strength and hope regarding my situation, and froze, instead opted to phone into the meeting. And when it came to the shares, the lady I'd intended to call was the first share, and she said exactly as I needed to hear, as if it were God... it was just so odd...

I was asking God why am I still struggling with life, I'm living in the steps to the best of my ability.... and the sharer I'd intended to call, said "shitstorms still come into my life, life still shows up, the programme doesn't take life's troubles away, but it gives us the tool kit to deal with life in a new and more manageable way. And that was just as I needed to hear. 

This programme gives me a loving powerful hand of God, knowledge and understanding of my disease, and how to live in the solution, every step of the way as I journey through life - it really is a design for living that really works. For me only a few days ago I was feeling hopeless, I was lingering where I shouldn't be - back in the mind, trying to work it all out, rather than sticking to the steps and the action ...

I was telling myself I wasn't good enough, and trying to work it out, why I was having the same resentment come up over and over... Yet I was abstinent. And I can say that I am experiencing neutrality around the food- A wish that I could never have imagined possible I don't hover around the dinner table never wanting the food experience to end. But I eat my abstinent meal, tidy away and think about the next chapter of my day... Yet here I was and abstinence and neutrality around food were no longer enough!!!! I was feeling anger at the fact that I wasn't at peace with every other issue that had arisen in my life! 

Through the tools I could see that I was trying to run the show again. through the tools I could see that I wasn't fully giving over my life and will to God. Through the tools I can start to see how taking the actions of my amends are like action steps from God, and through the practice of these actions, I can trudge the road of happy destiny.