Finding a Solution

By OA Member, Jul 4 2017 04:33PM

My earliest childhood memories are of me eating food in secret. Up until the age of 23, when I came into recovery, I went to great lengths to steal money from my family, friends and neighbours to buy food. No matter whose kitchen I was in and at any opportunity I had to be alone, I would raid the cupboards and the fridge. I had huge embarrassment about the way I ate as I recognised that others didn’t eat the same way. I never knew how much food was enough and during the times that I would eat with other people, I can remember feeling mortified if comments were made about the volume of food I had served myself. Whenever I had finished a meal, I would wait in anticipation for the next. I often overate until I threw up and on weekdays, before school started, I’d buy food from the store and hide it in the gym cupboard. This was my secret hideout and I would lock myself in there during break time to have my supply. My packed lunch would’ve been eaten daily before school even began. Growing up, I found it difficult to form friendships and relationships with people. I would make up stories, tell lies often and never felt comfortable in my own skin. Eating food was

My earliest childhood memories are of me eating food in secret. Up until the age of 23, when I came into recovery, I went to great lengths to steal money from my family, friends and neighbours to buy food. No matter whose kitchen I was in and at any opportunity I had to be alone, I would raid the cupboards and the fridge. I had huge embarrassment about the way I ate as I recognised that others didn’t eat the same way. I never knew how much food was enough and during the times that I would eat with other people, I can remember feeling mortified if comments were made about the volume of food I had served myself. Whenever I had finished a meal, I would wait in anticipation for the next. I often overate until I threw up and on weekdays, before school started, I’d buy food from the store and hide it in the gym cupboard. This was my secret hideout and I would lock myself in there during break time to have my supply. My packed lunch would’ve been eaten daily before school even began. Growing up, I found it difficult to form friendships and relationships with people. I would make up stories, tell lies often and never felt comfortable in my own skin. Eating food was a way of escaping from feeling so socially awkward.

My eating got progressively worse over time. The quantities became greater and my obsession with food and how I could get my fix was constant. I hated the physical effects of gaining weight and became obsessed with exercise. I lost weight and I loved the attention it brought from others. I felt like I had discovered the meaning to my life and all I needed to do was get and stay thin. My thoughts and actions revolved around not putting on weight and so extreme dieting, exercise and the introduction of laxatives became a part of my daily living. I was very moody and gave a lot of grief to others, particularly to my family if they got in my way of what I was trying to achieve. This way of living was very difficult to maintain as I had a constant craving to want to eat. Sooner or later, I would find that I couldn’t stop eating again and all the weight I’d lost would go back on. It was despairing. I had no idea that the problem was within me and centred in my mind. I started drinking alcohol and taking pills and the obsession I had for these substances was instant. I believe I was an alcoholic before ever picking up a drink. All I needed was the substance of alcohol to set me off.

Through a number of circumstances, I was introduced to Overeaters Anonymous. I got great relief because there I found people who I could identify with and they openly shared (without shame or guilt) about what their eating had been like for them. I was amazed how they could live and be free from the constant calling to want to eat. I recognised that, for me, I had the disease of addiction and my whole life I had swapped one substance for another. It made sense to me that I needed to put down every drug (food, alcohol and pills) to have a chance at a sober life. I asked a woman to sponsor me and to show me how to work the 12 steps with the help of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had to set aside what I thought I knew about getting well and that my best efforts had brought me to a place of complete physical, mental, emotional and spiritual bankruptcy. The power of choice with food was gone for me, I had no idea what to eat, how much to eat, what foods were right for me to eat or what time I should eat. I started on a weighed and measured food plan to provide nourishment and energy for my body. I became open to the idea of a Higher Power and began to get a sense that I was being taken care of, the more I took action with the 12 steps and accepted I need help with all areas of my life. Today, the compulsion and obsession for food, diet, weight and exercise has been lifted. I have the peace of mind I always wanted and I continue to see this in others too. For my own recovery, it is imperative for me to share my story with others and pass on what I have been given. I’m truly grateful that there is a solution and that the members of Overeaters Anonymous continue to be there for me.