For years I have believed I was the fattest person in the world, I hated myself, hated looking in the mirror, hated being in photos, hated going clothes shopping, hated having to dress up, hated going swimming, I never wanted to go to teenage discos, I didn’t want to go on school trips, I thought that everyone thought that I was disgusting, fat and ugly because that is what I believed myself to be.
I was full of fear, full of self hatred, my self esteem was nil, I didn’t know anything about myself; what I liked or didn’t like, I went along with whatever everybody else wanted to do, I was so scared of not being liked, I was afraid that the friends I did have wouldn’t like me if I didn’t do what they wanted to do, if they ever found out who I truly was.
To everyone else I was a happy go lucky kind of girl, always smiling, always happy to help anyone, I was seen as a person who got on with everyone, not caring what I did or where I went, real easy going....but I always felt so out of place, that I was different from everyone else, an odd ball, never quite fitting in.
Inside I was dying; this pretence was getting harder and harder to continue. I was so unhappy but I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I thought though if I could just be thin surely everything else would fall into place, I wanted the skinny body, I dreamt of cutting off my fat with a knife, I thought if I could get pregnant then maybe once I’d have the baby I could lose the weight after that; All these ideas and more seemed like genuine ways to become happy!
When I wasn’t obsessing about my body I was thinking about food, whether I should or shouldn’t eat, whether I would eat now or in an hour’s time or two hours time and so on, once I did eat something the cycle would start all over again, it was a constant voice in my head. I prided myself that I didn’t eat breakfast and wanted people to know that because ‘thin’ people didn’t eat breakfast or so my head used tell me.
I didn’t like to eat in front of people, I thought that if people were watching me eat, even if it was normal portions they would be thinking...well that’s why she is the size she is, She’s huge and no wonder since she’s forever eating or eating too much. When I went to the shop to buy chocolate I would talk out loud about the people I was buying for or take a while to chose as if I was buying for someone else so the person in the shop wouldn’t think I was eating it myself.
I hit rock bottom, I couldn’t go on the way I was going any longer. It was suggested to me that maybe I had a problem where food was concerned and that I could try going to OA meetings. Even though I was overweight I never thought that I had a problem with food, I could give up chocolate for months on end and be ok with it, I couldn’t associate my pain and utter misery with food, However since I was told it’d be good for me to go and I was such a people pleaser at the time I went.
My life has changed so much for the better in the past six years since being in Overeaters anonymous, My life no longer revolves around what and when I’m going to eat or what weight I am or whether I am thin enough. I love myself exactly as I am. I am good enough. I believe in myself, I have good self esteem; I live my life and live it well. I look in the mirror and love what I see, I value myself and my opinions, I have peace in my head and in my heart. All this is thanks to the 12 step programme, it’s a simple programme, not always easy, but it most definitely works!